Helping too much

Have you ever felt like you've helped someone a lot and in the end you feel empty and unappreciated?

Some writers call it co-dependence. Not the type of co-dependence that relates to addictions.
It's the type where you give so much of yourself (even when you have very little or nothing to give) that it leaves you empty. And of course you expect to be treated the same way in return; it's only fair, right?

We tend to give so much because we want to be appreciated, accepted, loved, or taken into account. We want others to see that we are a good person, prove ourselves. Sure, we also do it because we want to help. And because we are so good to others, others should act the same and sacrifice the same. But they don't. What's wrong with them?

It hurts when, after we gave so much and did so much for others, they don't do the same for us, don't do as much as we did, or don't thank us. It hurts a lot because we end up feeling empty, unappreciated, resentful.

Some of us learned from religion that it is better to give from what we don't have because it is a bigger sacrifice and it will be rewarded bigger than if we give from what overflows.

Bare with me for a moment while I challenge these beliefs.

Even when we think we need to give from what we do't have, we are doing something to get something in return. It's not like philanthropy can't exist but take a look at who the philanthropists are, the people with the abundance to give.

So, my point is, when we give from what we don't have, we end up depleted and resentful. And this happens without us noticing. We can do some much for others, for example,

• Give someone a ride, even if it's out of our way,
• Lend people money, even if we don't have savings,
• Take care of someone else's kids, even when we don't have time for our own,
• Invite people over, even when chores don't get done,
• Pay for stuff for others, even when we are short on money,
• Let a friend use our credit, even though we want to buy a place,
• Give people advice, even when they haven't asked, and
• Arrange our schedules to fit the other person's errands, even when it's inconvenient.

We do all this from the bottom of our heart. We really want to help others and we believe we can. We get hurt and burnt when we are reminded that our help is not needed or when we don't receive anything in return -such as appreciation.

Who is to blame? No one. Whose responsibility is it? Ours.

If we are feeling unappreciated, we need to stop and ask ourselves,

• Am I giving too much?
• Why?
• What am I expecting?
• What would happen if I don't give as much?
• What would that say about me?

Step back for a moment and look inside. If the answers match a need for recognition, then give it to yourself. If you need appreciation, give it to yourself. Everything we need, we have inside and we can give it to ourselves without limits. Help others, but help yourself first. We can't give from what we don't have. Like a known saying said: Love your neighborg as you love yourself.

That means, love yourself first and from that abundance of love, give.

Intimacy is like cooking. How men and women see it.

I recently heard a great analogy for intimacy.
Intimacy, meaning sex, is for some men and women a bit like cooking. Getting the ingredients is like getting ready, preparing the meal is like foreplay, eating the meal is like having intercourse, and dessert is like orgasm.
Let's start with the women's perspective. If you are confused about something or have questions, write a comment below or send me an email.


A woman needs to gather the necessary ingredients to cook a great meal . A lot of preparation is needed. She researches for the appropriate recipe and makes sure that she is capable to prepare that meal. She goes shopping for the ingredients. She prepares her kitchen utensils and all the instructions to time her cooking.

She prepares a really fancy meal and serves it in decorative plates. She eats the meal, not necessarily because she is hungry but because she is in the mood of fine, home-made dinning. She takes as long as she needs to enjoy her meal and then comes dessert. She can have more than one serving of dessert if she feels like it. And finally, she'll want help cleaning up.

A woman does not have to eat this fancy every night. In fact, some women can go a couple of weeks without eating or just having a quick one, like mac and cheese, sometimes with no dessert. For a woman, the preparation of a meal is as important as eating it. If she wants to feel confident that the meal will turn out perfect, she'll need every single one of the ingredients.



A man gathers ingredients to make a meal. Some men can eat a fancy meal every night. And in their eyes, the meal does not have to necessarily be that fancy as long as there is dessert. When a man cooks the meal, he sometimes brings all of the ingredients, however his partner might not be hungry that day. Some men are shocked at how their partner does not want to eat after he gathered all the ingredients, what's wrong with her? Some men forget some of the ingredients and can't understand why the meal is not appetizing to his partner; and some men can't comprehend when his partner doesn't want dessert. Some men feel inadequate when they can't make their partner eat dessert. For a man, it is not so much preparing the meal what's important, it's the satisfaction of eating it and ending with dessert. In fact, if the meal could be placed in the microwave and ready to eat in 5 minutes, without the need for preparation, then, that would be the preferred choice of cooking.



The problem comes when women fake eating dessert, they go on hunger strikes to punish the partner or they stop eating all together. Men don't get this. They would never go on a hunger strike because eating does not relate to anything but just eating. However, women don't understand this concept because their brain is wired to interconnect every issue, therefore eating relates to everything. Some men get frustrated and decide they want to eat dessert somewhere else with someone who would appreciate their cooking. What they don't understand is that all this can be resolved with a nice recipe.

The main ingredient in this recipe is communication. The more partners talk with each other, the better each will understand their differences. Every single human being thinks in different ways. Each brain is a world of its own. A person might enjoy a cloudy sky while another one might feel blue. Since every single mind is different, being partners means trying to understand each other the best way possible. These are some of the ingredients for this to work:

Empathic listening
Compassion
Not taking it personal
Being responsible for your own feelings
Wanting to understand
Wanting to work on yourself
No co-dependence

Mix those real well, add love, tenderness, hope, loyalty and education and you'll have the best recipe for happiness.

I'll explain in future blogs what each of these ingredients mean and how to get them.
In the mean time, be aware of your feelings and thoughts as well as what you might be projecting.
This makes you responsible for your reactions and puts you in charge of your own feelings.

Many blessings in this amazing journey

Nancy

How our beliefs keep us stuck

Sometimes it's so easy to give others advice. We can see clearly what they need to do to improve their lives and the solutions to their problems. When it comes to ourselves, just the thought of our issues overwhelms us so much that we give up without even trying. A voice in our head tells us, "This is way too much for you. You can't do all this!"

We then get a headache, or get sick, or feel suddenly exhausted and wanting to crawl under the covers of our bed. Guilt seeps in, yet what ever still needs to be done, it's placed on the back burner. We barely have energy to get up and go to work or school. If we didn't have to, we would stay in bed all day, or busy ourselves with meaningless things such eating whatever is in front of us (healthy or not), or go into anxiety mode -doing a lot while doing nothing at all.

And more guilt comes. We call ourselves lazy, unmotivated, disorganized and dumb. We punish ourselves by continue doing things that hurt us, more self-deprecating words, more eating (or less), pushing and rejecting ourselves, and neglecting our needs -"we gotta earn it." Until we reach the point when everything starts falling apart and we let it all go, including ourselves. We might wait for the New Years to make a resolution and try one more time to get it together, to lose weight, to finish that project, to change jobs, to move, or do other changes that require some kind of effort. And one more time we seem to disappoint ourselves while guilt and shame takes over our self-esteem.

How can we get out of this rut that keeps us down and blue, or anxious and stressed?
Sometimes we see this as a flaw in our personality. We should be stronger, motivated and on top of it, always, all the time... Right. We force ourselves to run at the same pace others run and we end up tired, resentful and disappointed.

How to change?

We need to look at our attributes and the way we learn and process things. We need to learn more about ourselves and what makes us move, what makes us happy. Maybe we are forcing ourselves to do something we really don't want, or maybe we have these HUGE walls blocking us from getting what we know in our soul is the best thing for us. Sometimes is just not the right time.

How do we know and what do we do about it?

Inner exploration is the key.

Each person is its own universe, governed by its own laws. Our soul guides our journey, only if we let it. We need to listen more to our inner guidance and do less self-reprimand and criticism. By looking at the blockages to experience our potential, we realize that it's not that we are lazy, or disorganized (sometimes we are a bit for a reason) but we have deep beliefs ingrained in us that makes it almost impossible for us to move forward.

There is hope!

By building awareness we can identify these beliefs and clear them all so we can move towards our desired goal. It's not a pretty picture and sometimes it takes courage to admit our own doing, but if are committed to keep growing, these obstacles become smaller and easier to clear as we learn who we truly are.

What is happiness, and how can we achieve it? This is Your Brain on Bliss :: Matthieu Ricard reveals the Buddhist’s secrets to happiness

What is happiness, and how can we achieve it? This is Your Brain on Bliss :: Matthieu Ricard reveals the Buddhist’s secrets to happiness

Being in charge of your emotions, not your emotions in charge of you!

Sometimes is difficult to write about what we are experiencing. Not because we can't write but because it's hard to identify what it is we are feeling.


Our true feelings get masked behind anger, fear or sadness and we tend to blame something outside of ourselves for what we feel.


Of course, situations in life can trigger emotions in us, such as death, accidents, breakups, or injustices. Yet, the responsibility for our emotions lies within.


Not to say we are not allowed to feel anger or despair. Feeling emotions reminds us that we are alive and help us stay connected with our body. It also helps us recognize when something is not in alignment, like an alarm system.



How we express and what we do with our emotions is up to us. There are many reasons why this might be easier said that done. Chemical imbalances, traumas, limiting beliefs, and patterns of behavior, all contribute to make the task of getting our emotions under control much more difficult. Yet, it is not impossible.

There are many tools to help us cope with intense feelings as well as understand and heal our pain. These tools range from simple breathing exercises to energy correction techniques.

In my next post I'll share with you an easy and short balancing technique called Over Energy Correction.

Until next time,

Many blessings,

Nancy