Helping too much

Have you ever felt like you've helped someone a lot and in the end you feel empty and unappreciated?

Some writers call it co-dependence. Not the type of co-dependence that relates to addictions.
It's the type where you give so much of yourself (even when you have very little or nothing to give) that it leaves you empty. And of course you expect to be treated the same way in return; it's only fair, right?

We tend to give so much because we want to be appreciated, accepted, loved, or taken into account. We want others to see that we are a good person, prove ourselves. Sure, we also do it because we want to help. And because we are so good to others, others should act the same and sacrifice the same. But they don't. What's wrong with them?

It hurts when, after we gave so much and did so much for others, they don't do the same for us, don't do as much as we did, or don't thank us. It hurts a lot because we end up feeling empty, unappreciated, resentful.

Some of us learned from religion that it is better to give from what we don't have because it is a bigger sacrifice and it will be rewarded bigger than if we give from what overflows.

Bare with me for a moment while I challenge these beliefs.

Even when we think we need to give from what we do't have, we are doing something to get something in return. It's not like philanthropy can't exist but take a look at who the philanthropists are, the people with the abundance to give.

So, my point is, when we give from what we don't have, we end up depleted and resentful. And this happens without us noticing. We can do some much for others, for example,

• Give someone a ride, even if it's out of our way,
• Lend people money, even if we don't have savings,
• Take care of someone else's kids, even when we don't have time for our own,
• Invite people over, even when chores don't get done,
• Pay for stuff for others, even when we are short on money,
• Let a friend use our credit, even though we want to buy a place,
• Give people advice, even when they haven't asked, and
• Arrange our schedules to fit the other person's errands, even when it's inconvenient.

We do all this from the bottom of our heart. We really want to help others and we believe we can. We get hurt and burnt when we are reminded that our help is not needed or when we don't receive anything in return -such as appreciation.

Who is to blame? No one. Whose responsibility is it? Ours.

If we are feeling unappreciated, we need to stop and ask ourselves,

• Am I giving too much?
• Why?
• What am I expecting?
• What would happen if I don't give as much?
• What would that say about me?

Step back for a moment and look inside. If the answers match a need for recognition, then give it to yourself. If you need appreciation, give it to yourself. Everything we need, we have inside and we can give it to ourselves without limits. Help others, but help yourself first. We can't give from what we don't have. Like a known saying said: Love your neighborg as you love yourself.

That means, love yourself first and from that abundance of love, give.